*This entry was originally posted on Medium on November 23, 2016*

Have you ever purposefully made yourself busy for the sole purpose of forgetting about something that bothers you?

I find myself doing that a lot these days.

Whether it’s going on long walks, reading, drowning myself in music, going to a new place, trying a new restaurant, going out every night to have a drink and play pool, or eating until I enter a food coma, etc.

I’ve been obsessed with finding new hobbies this year because I’ve been desperate to get out of my apartment when I feel trapped, which unfortunately is often. I tried to learn woodworking. I tried to pick photography back up. I tried writing. I tried music. I kept trying different things but none of them seemed to stick.

I realized that I can’t silo my life. Everything that I do, everything I know, and everyone I know, can be tied back to a single idea, person, or emotion.

I try so hard to find something new to do that seeming has no connection with something I don’t want to think about or be reminded of, yet somehow my brain finds a way to make a meaningful connection.

As soon as that happens I lose interest in that hobby. It’s my brain telling me to stop because if I continue down this path I will just be reminded of things I don’t want to think about.

At first I thought, ‘hey that’s kind of cool’. I DON’T want to think about these things. But as time passed I realized that this was happening for everything.

What was once a defense mechanism all of a sudden became a source of more anxiety.

How does one deal with that? When your own methods work against you. I was sabotaging myself and it was getting increasingly frustrating.

I don’t have an answer. I’m not asking for an answer either. I just decided that I have to deal with it head on. Meaning, choose one hobby and actively pursue it no matter what feelings, thoughts, or memories it brings up.

The past couple weeks I’ve been working closely with a friend to concept a podcast. We’ve conducted two interviews for material and we meet regularly to work on it. We both have day jobs but it’s nice to have a project to work on outside of work.

I don’t want to share too much because we still have a ton of work to do, but I’m genuinely excited to work on this project. I can’t wait to share the first episode, although timing is still very much TBD. I’ll share updates periodically on my various social channels.