Anxiety

Root Cause Analysis

I struggle with my memories.
I have memories that make me happy.
I have memories that make me sad.
Some of the happy ones come with baggage.

Everything reminds me of everything.
The buildings I explore.
The streets I walk on.
The music I listen to.
The smell of the air.
The food I eat.
The season.
The time.
The day.

I hold onto so much.
Memories, people, ideas.
I keep thoughts and feelings locked up.
Afraid to let them out because
I fear I have already said too much.

Constantly looking for happiness.
I find moments here and there.
Every once in a while I experience
and feel it genuinely.
Sometimes it lasts for a while.
Sometimes it fades just as quickly as
it comes.

I have done more harm to myself than
anyone else can possibly do.
Constant self-sabotage.
Where my worst fears and thoughts
manifest because I will them to fruition.
Like some masochistic defense mechanism

I do not think the world is against me.
I just do not know why I am so against my
own self.

Maybe deep down I don't think I deserve
to be happy.
Or that I don't deserve all the good in my life
because I will inevitably taint it.

Why am I afraid to let go?
To let go of all of the bad even if
it means losing some of the good.
Maybe under all of this
pessimism, there is an undying hope.
Or maybe I am more naive than I thought.

It's Happening Again

That feeling of perpetual dread. The endless churn of negativity and baseless assumption.

That feeling of your chest wanting to literally explode.

No matter how much pranayama you practice, that drum in your chest just beats harder and harder.

"Why are you like this?" you ask yourself, to which you have no verbal response as you stare back at yourself in the dirty mirror. 

"You like the pain. You will grow from this," is what your conscience says.

But subconsciously you know you won't. 

You start to think rationally and apply simple logic to your seemingly complex problems. 

Logically you shouldn't be this upset. Logically you should just divert your time and energy to other aspects of your life.

Logically you shouldn't care this much.

But you do, and everything you do seems to defy logic. 

Here you are again, stuck in between reality and a dream.

A dream that's quickly turning into a nightmare that keeps pulling you in.

And all you can say to yourself is, it's happening again.

Self-Sabotoge

*This entry was originally posted on Medium on November 23, 2016*

Have you ever purposefully made yourself busy for the sole purpose of forgetting about something that bothers you?

I find myself doing that a lot these days.

Whether it’s going on long walks, reading, drowning myself in music, going to a new place, trying a new restaurant, going out every night to have a drink and play pool, or eating until I enter a food coma, etc.

I’ve been obsessed with finding new hobbies this year because I’ve been desperate to get out of my apartment when I feel trapped, which unfortunately is often. I tried to learn woodworking. I tried to pick photography back up. I tried writing. I tried music. I kept trying different things but none of them seemed to stick.

I realized that I can’t silo my life. Everything that I do, everything I know, and everyone I know, can be tied back to a single idea, person, or emotion.

I try so hard to find something new to do that seeming has no connection with something I don’t want to think about or be reminded of, yet somehow my brain finds a way to make a meaningful connection.

As soon as that happens I lose interest in that hobby. It’s my brain telling me to stop because if I continue down this path I will just be reminded of things I don’t want to think about.

At first I thought, ‘hey that’s kind of cool’. I DON’T want to think about these things. But as time passed I realized that this was happening for everything.

What was once a defense mechanism all of a sudden became a source of more anxiety.

How does one deal with that? When your own methods work against you. I was sabotaging myself and it was getting increasingly frustrating.

I don’t have an answer. I’m not asking for an answer either. I just decided that I have to deal with it head on. Meaning, choose one hobby and actively pursue it no matter what feelings, thoughts, or memories it brings up.

The past couple weeks I’ve been working closely with a friend to concept a podcast. We’ve conducted two interviews for material and we meet regularly to work on it. We both have day jobs but it’s nice to have a project to work on outside of work.

I don’t want to share too much because we still have a ton of work to do, but I’m genuinely excited to work on this project. I can’t wait to share the first episode, although timing is still very much TBD. I’ll share updates periodically on my various social channels.