Root Cause Analysis

I struggle with my memories.
I have memories that make me happy.
I have memories that make me sad.
Some of the happy ones come with baggage.

Everything reminds me of everything.
The buildings I explore.
The streets I walk on.
The music I listen to.
The smell of the air.
The food I eat.
The season.
The time.
The day.

I hold onto so much.
Memories, people, ideas.
I keep thoughts and feelings locked up.
Afraid to let them out because
I fear I have already said too much.

Constantly looking for happiness.
I find moments here and there.
Every once in a while I experience
and feel it genuinely.
Sometimes it lasts for a while.
Sometimes it fades just as quickly as
it comes.

I have done more harm to myself than
anyone else can possibly do.
Constant self-sabotage.
Where my worst fears and thoughts
manifest because I will them to fruition.
Like some masochistic defense mechanism

I do not think the world is against me.
I just do not know why I am so against my
own self.

Maybe deep down I don't think I deserve
to be happy.
Or that I don't deserve all the good in my life
because I will inevitably taint it.

Why am I afraid to let go?
To let go of all of the bad even if
it means losing some of the good.
Maybe under all of this
pessimism, there is an undying hope.
Or maybe I am more naive than I thought.