Mind Over Matter

I find myself increasingly frustrated lately. I've tried different things this past week to help calm myself down, to release tension, and to just relax. I tried walking home from work, which I regretted doing midway but powered through. I tried going to a dance party. And now I'm blogging with Elliott Smith on in the background. 

In general my MO is to keep myself busy so I don't have time to think about the things I don't want to think about. 

Since the start of the new year, I've been working on a couple different personal projects to help occupy my time when I'm not at work. I was desperately seeking a creative outlet and while not having any traditional creative skills, I decided to try and make a website. I already had my Medium blog that I started last summer but I wanted something of my own. That was the birth of Anxious Asian Man.

I try to blog and podcast as regularly as possible. Lately my blog posts have been few and far between and oddly I've been podcasting almost every week. I would think my blogging would be more frequent, but come to think of it, it's easier for me to just talk into a mic than to type out my thoughts. It's the same issue I had with Talk Space vs. going to see an actual in-person therapist. 

Outside of my site, I volunteer to take pictures for another friend's comedy show every week. It's easy and I get to see stand up comedy. Not much more one could ask for to be honest. I let several weeks of pictures go unedited though. Skipping one week of edits isn't so bad, but it just piles up so quickly. Piles up so high you just don't even want to go near it. I tackled the edits recently and am going to try and do my edits weekly.

At times I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew. Lately when I feel overwhelmed, I get a feeling of paralysis. Like these picture edits, it just got overwhelming and I didn't want to do them. I had to psych myself up.

It's getting to the point I have to psych myself up to put laundry into the dryer. Or take trash out. 

I think it's just this recent wave of depression that has hit me. It's making me very lazy and lethargic. 

For the last 4 weekends I've spent the majority of my time on my couch watching reruns of Archer, Rick and Morty, and re-watching Star Wars movies. 

I try to make plans. I even decline some others because I think I might be doing something else. My plans just don't seem to stick. It's okay at first. But when it keeps happening, it's like a mental garbage pile that just builds up and I end up not wanting take that trash out. 

Well...let me rephrase. My mind wants to do something, but my body says no. 

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I really don't want to be like this. I fear I am just being conditioned to feel and act this way, because lets be real...plans will always get cancelled, pushed back, or not materialize. Even the most reliable person you know is fallible. 

I was onto something when I decided to seek a creative outlet. But I realize now that I didn't take the full step. I've got to actually seek out what it is I'm looking for. Now that I've identified my outlet, I need to execute. Easier said than done, but a lot of time, it really just is a little mind over matter.

The Struggle Bus

I'm failing at this. Very badly. I've got a monthly pass for the struggle bus.

I had this fantasy that I would be shooting out blog posts left and right and podcasting every week. I have tried my best to podcast every week but they are so fucking boring. I talk too slow and I'm not talking with enough emotion. And these blog posts...I'm just fucking lazy.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I have been dealing with some anxiety and some bad habits of my depression have crept back. One of those things is lethargy.

Yesterday after work, I tried to find something to do (with a low level of effort though). I came up empty, which is quite normal. It was a Friday evening, so I sank into my couch and started dozing off around 9pm. I decided to just call it a night and went to bed. It was the earliest I had gone to bed in a very long time. 

I got about 11 hours of sleep and woke up today and did my normal morning routine, which is to feed Ruth (my cat) and then take my medication. I then proceeded to do laundry and watch old episodes of Rick and Morty. When the washer was done, I knew I had to throw my clothes in the dryer but I my body didn't want to get up. I sat there for several minutes deliberating if I should get up and put my clothes in the dryer. 

A normal person would have just gotten up and put the wet clothes in the dryer as soon as the washer was done. I sat there for about 15 minutes and forced myself to get up because I hate how clothes that stay wet for too long get that weird smell.

The simplest tasks become so difficult and daunting. When the will is there, I can be a very productive member of society, but when it's not, I'm just a heavy bag of bones and fat.

This is something I've struggled with for most of my life, but I didn't know how to put it into words growing up. And it usually is only the case when I'm by myself.

I went from someone that was very comfortable with being alone to becoming someone who is dying to get out of the house but is too lazy. It's still very difficult to explain how I feel. Obviously.

That said, I was able to muster up energy to finish two loads of laundry (clothes and sheets+duvet), take my cat out to get her nails trimmed (super sharp) and then get a cup of coffee.

Now I'm back home typing this up while listening to emo music in the background while I have the Wisconsin v. Villanova game on mute. 

I often have the feeling that I'm going through an existential crisis because I often feel like I don't really have a purpose. It's not so much a source of anxiety though because I honestly don't believe anyone when they say they have a purpose in life. I won't refute anyone, but inside I'm calling bullshit. But what I think doesn't matter to anyone else. It shouldn't. Live your life.

Human beings in general. What purpose do we serve? I haven't heard a good answer yet. Is our purpose to find a way to get off this planet and find some other place to ruin...I mean...live?

I don't mean to be so down. I'm just trying to find my self purpose, which to me is different than having an overall purpose. My self purpose is 100% selfish. My self purpose will never be something like, "making sure the children in 3rd world countries always have food to eat." It would be more like, "making sure that I always have food to eat."

Sometimes you gotta take care of yourself. I just don't really know how to do it.

Next stop on the struggle bus? Anywhere. I just want to get off and charge my phone cause it's about to die soon.