mind over matter

Mind Over Matter

I find myself increasingly frustrated lately. I've tried different things this past week to help calm myself down, to release tension, and to just relax. I tried walking home from work, which I regretted doing midway but powered through. I tried going to a dance party. And now I'm blogging with Elliott Smith on in the background. 

In general my MO is to keep myself busy so I don't have time to think about the things I don't want to think about. 

Since the start of the new year, I've been working on a couple different personal projects to help occupy my time when I'm not at work. I was desperately seeking a creative outlet and while not having any traditional creative skills, I decided to try and make a website. I already had my Medium blog that I started last summer but I wanted something of my own. That was the birth of Anxious Asian Man.

I try to blog and podcast as regularly as possible. Lately my blog posts have been few and far between and oddly I've been podcasting almost every week. I would think my blogging would be more frequent, but come to think of it, it's easier for me to just talk into a mic than to type out my thoughts. It's the same issue I had with Talk Space vs. going to see an actual in-person therapist. 

Outside of my site, I volunteer to take pictures for another friend's comedy show every week. It's easy and I get to see stand up comedy. Not much more one could ask for to be honest. I let several weeks of pictures go unedited though. Skipping one week of edits isn't so bad, but it just piles up so quickly. Piles up so high you just don't even want to go near it. I tackled the edits recently and am going to try and do my edits weekly.

At times I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew. Lately when I feel overwhelmed, I get a feeling of paralysis. Like these picture edits, it just got overwhelming and I didn't want to do them. I had to psych myself up.

It's getting to the point I have to psych myself up to put laundry into the dryer. Or take trash out. 

I think it's just this recent wave of depression that has hit me. It's making me very lazy and lethargic. 

For the last 4 weekends I've spent the majority of my time on my couch watching reruns of Archer, Rick and Morty, and re-watching Star Wars movies. 

I try to make plans. I even decline some others because I think I might be doing something else. My plans just don't seem to stick. It's okay at first. But when it keeps happening, it's like a mental garbage pile that just builds up and I end up not wanting take that trash out. 

Well...let me rephrase. My mind wants to do something, but my body says no. 

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I really don't want to be like this. I fear I am just being conditioned to feel and act this way, because lets be real...plans will always get cancelled, pushed back, or not materialize. Even the most reliable person you know is fallible. 

I was onto something when I decided to seek a creative outlet. But I realize now that I didn't take the full step. I've got to actually seek out what it is I'm looking for. Now that I've identified my outlet, I need to execute. Easier said than done, but a lot of time, it really just is a little mind over matter.