Sorry Not Sorry, But Also Sorry.

I'm an apologetic person. Most of the time the words "I'm sorry" come out of my mouth even when it's not called for. 

Doesn't mean that when I say it I don't mean it. What I mean is that it's become a habit.  And yeah, there are times I say it when I've done nothing wrong and someone else wronged me. 

For example, if I'm at work and I'm coming up the stairs and someone swings the door open on me almost knocking me back, I'll probably utter the words "I'm sorry". 

It’s almost like a defense mechanism. As if I don't even want to bother with the back and forth of confrontation or maybe I'm just super fucking anti-social and would rather assume responsibility of something that I don't have to, just for the sake of moving along. 

That said, I'm not the most amenable person.

The reason I'm writing this is because I find myself saying sorry when I shouldn't in more serious situations. I'm not talking like, hostage negotiation serious, but important to me kind of serious  

I caught up with a good friend for dinner today and we both talked about some of our life struggles. We are both in funks and are trying to get out and do more meaningful things with our lives. 

I spoke of a situation where I apologized, and almost immediately after telling my story was told that I didn't have to be sorry about anything. And it wasn't until then that I realized it.  

Because this entire time, I genuinely was/am sorry, but when you boil it down, I was really apologizing for being who I am. And it made me think. 

Have I been apologizing to people my entire life for just being who I am? As if I was trying to fit into someone else's construct of what's right and wrong?

Obviously there are times when "I'm sorry" is the perfect response. But it should be obvious, like when you wrong or hurt someone, it calls for an "I'm sorry". 

There are certainly many things I am rightfully sorry for not just to others, but also to myself.

I like to reconcile a lot. With others and myself. Like my current self and my past self. And I think it's time I say "I'm sorry" to myself. For all of the self doubt. For all of the needless blame that I know I have taken on throughout my life. I'm sorry.